cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
