if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I am one with the molecules
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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