I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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