How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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