come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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