i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
