Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
