Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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