his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
