is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
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