I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
