Girls should come with a carfax report
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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