i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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