It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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