I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
