I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
