Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
