I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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