the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
