two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
