By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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