Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I need a burrito and a hug.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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