Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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