I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He called his prostate his "boner button".
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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