you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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