Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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