You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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