I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
