Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
