I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
