Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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