i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
