I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
