burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
