i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
