I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
