She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
