please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
