I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
