Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
