Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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