Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
