I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
