sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
