I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
