I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
