The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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