all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Randomize
