I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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