Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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